So its been about a year since the last time I posted here. Not much has happened. I am still in the same boat as I was last year. I have to say that it really has gotten to me. I have been pretty depressed for a while now. I tend to hold a lot in. A lot of it has to deal with the fact I truly feel like I’m not being a man. And in all actuality, I’m not.
Let me explain. I’m not doing the things I should be doing. I’m not going hard to find a new job like I should. Not that there is a lot out there right now, but I can try harder. I really feel like less of a man a lot because of the fact I’m not working.
I’m not doing a whole lot of anything that is productive. My highlights of the week is going to the gym, playing softball, and going to church. Those are all very good things, but there is a huge hole.
The biggest reason that there is a hole in my life is the fact I am not reading the Bible as much as I need to. I’m not talking to God as much as I should. I know it all starts with getting with God. Yet at the same time I have grown to be so lazy that I keep putting it off. “I’ll start tomorrow.” or “I’ll start next week…” or “next month.”
There are things I know I need to do, but for some reason I just don’t do it. I don’t get it. Its like Paul said in Romans 7:18-20 “18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.”
I want to change things. I mean I’m not doing any bad things like going out drinking, doing drugs, having sex or anything like that. However I have become very lazy and very distracted. Those are the very tools the Devil uses to take you out of doing what God wants you to do. Because I am not doing the right things, it has put the very hole in me that I have been speaking of.
Part of my problem also is the fact that I have become very lonely. I have gotten very close to my best friend Doreen and her family. They have taken me in. I call her my sister. I call her kids my nieces. Her fiancee has become like my brother. And I call his kids my nephews. However for a while now, I have felt I have been putting a strain on our friendship. I have been smothering them too much. Almost taken advantage of them. It hasn’t been on purpose. I don’t go out and say “hey I think I will take advantage of these people.” My true thoughts behind it all is I have never been that close to a lot of my family. When I was a kid, the person I have wanted to go to my baseball games, never did. The person I wanted to go out and play catch with, I never had. And I never had anyone step up in that spot.
This may get some of my family mad, and that is not the goal of this. I have had some good times with my aunt, uncle, and cousins. There have been a few times I had fun with my Dad. He would take me to the race track, which was cool. Maybe its selfish of me, but instead of being interested in the very things I was in to, he tended to be all about racing over everything. Instead of being the Dad I needed, he was rarely there. Don’t get me wrong, I love my Dad. More than he may know. I wish we were closer than we are. I don’t know if we ever will be that close. He has started getting away from racing being number one in his life, which is a very big step for him.
I am also a part of the problem. Maybe I should go more on the fishing trips with him and my brothers. It’s not really my thing. But maybe I need to step up and put effort in the relationship between me and my family. What hurts though is some of them, very close relatives, tend to talk a lot of trash about me behind my back. These are suppose to be the very people that have my back. Yet they are the very ones who take the knife, stick it in my back, and twist. They know who they are. I forgive them, but it still hurts more than you know.
What I envisioned for my life at this point is that I would be married. I would have a couple kids. Yes I know there is plenty of time left to still do that. I know its all in God’s timing. But at 32 years old, I have practically given up on it. I feel like I am meant to be alone. Thats a big part of the reason why I have gotten so attached to Josh, Cheyenne, Vanessa, Jazmyn, Hailey, Makayla, Makenzie, Liam, Alex, and Tyler. I feel that they are the closest I am going to be to having my own kids. Being a part of Doreen’s family like I am, I feel like that is the closest I am going to be to having a family life.
When I am home, all I do is go in my room and stay there. I play WoW, Zelda, and watch TV. Thats it. All by myself. Being with Doreen’s family, I get that movie time with the family….going out and doing stuff with the kids…..seeing the smiles on their face. I love that. I love seeing Doreen and Glen’s life shape up and things coming together for them. I love being a part of it. But how much is too much? Their friendship means more to me than they could ever imagine. And I don’t want to ruin that. Is being with them all the time putting a strain on it? I don’t know.
I had a big talk with Doreen the other day. My heart was very heavy with a lot of these concerns. Along with other things going on with my life. I broke down. We had a very good talk. I still don’t know what to do, but I feel much better about the situation.
Well this whole post has so far me whining a lot. It has helped to get a lot of my chest. I tend to hold everything in, and I know thats not good. But its time to change the tune.
Two weeks ago, I got back into the gym. I go twice a day, three days a week. The first time I go, I go with Doreen and her Aunt. I have actually been training them. So while they do cardio, I do cardio with them. Then after that I help motivate them and show them workouts to do. Later in the day, I go with Glen and Red and we do our work out. We do more cardio and have a routine designed specifically for us. Last week I pushed myself much harder, and was very surprised with how much strength I still have. Back when I was a gym rat, I was able to bench 315 lbs 8 times. That put my max at pretty close to 400 lbs. Last week I put 225 lbs on the bar just to see what I can do with it, and I was able to put it up 8 times. I was very happy with that. I was hoping to get a couple up. So obviously this week I am going to push myself that much harder.
But training Doreen and Auntie as well as putting together the workout for me,Glen and Red, I have started to thinking about looking into schooling for becoming a personal trainer. I also have a very good friend who is looking at things for me. I think it will be a good career choice for me. Granted I need to get in much better shape myself, but if my career is built around it, it should give me the motivation to do it. And because I am losing all the weight and getting in better shape, it will give me something to show my clients when I do this. Also by getting a career, it will help with the depression I have had. I will be doing something productive. I will be living a healthier lifestyle. And hopefully I will be getting my life with God on track. If I start doing all these things, I will be fixing a lot of the problems that I have. And the first thing I need to do is get my life with God back on track. I need prayer, and I hope that whoever reads this finds it in their heart to pray for me. I have a long journey to get my life back together, and I am hoping that TODAY not tomorrow is when I start it. I think tonight I am going to start with finding something in the Bible to go through. If I start tonight, and I get really motivated, I could have my life with God right back on track. So be prepared for a second post tonight. Thank you all for who have and who will support me. It means the world to me.
Scriv Nation 